at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
