I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
