rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
