I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
