i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
