I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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