I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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