Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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