gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
