Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
