Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
