apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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