she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
