I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
