My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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