I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
