Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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