Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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