and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You've changed since you got that strap on
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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