Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
