No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
