I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
