don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
