This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
