angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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