I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
