My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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