Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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