I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
