the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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