You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
