I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
