i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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