Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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