I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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