Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
