I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What a dumb baby whore.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
