so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
