Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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