Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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