one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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