and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
