Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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