I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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