My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
