Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
