I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
