Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
