I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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