I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
