remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
