He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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