my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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