woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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