Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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